3 Ways the 'War on Christmas' Is Way Older Than You Think

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5 Ways to Actually Steal Christmas

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If Parents Were Honest About Christmas Gifts from Their Kids

If Parents Were Honest About Christmas Gifts from Their Kids | Cracked.comvar ck_dart = {}; ck_dart["disable_header"] = "1"; ck_dart["zone"] = "content"; ck_dart["rating"] = "pg"; ck_dart["ctype"] = "videos"; ck_dart["art"] = "vid18508"; ck_dart["cat"] = "weirdworld"; ck_dart["auth"] = "gregandlou"; ck_dart['envr'] = "";var dart_ord = dart_ord_gen();function dart_ord_gen() {var random = new Date(); random = Math.ceil(random.getTime() / 1000);random = Math.floor(Math.random() * 100000) * random;return random;} var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-143148-1']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); You Might Be A Zombie!Horror On CrackedChristmas E-CardsiPad AppWrite For UsLoginor RegisterFace Book Connect Cracked.com ArticlesBrowse ByAll ArticlesMovies & TVMusicCelebritiesTechSexSportsNewsScienceHistoryWeird WorldVideo GamesVideosColumnistsBrowse ByDaniel O' BrienSoren BowieRobert BrockwayChris BucholzGladstoneMichael SwaimSeanbabyCodyChristina H.David WongJack O'BrienJohn CheeseLuke McKinneyBrendan McGinleyAdam Tod BrownIan ForteyKristi HarrisonFelix ClayForumsQuick FixesPhotoplastyMoreTopicsCheat SheetsLinkSTORMAsstrologyCraptions ClassicsPopularGreatest HitsSketch CompetitionRandom ArticleGet Our RSS FeedCategories:Movies & TVVideo GamesMusicSportsTechHistoryScienceCelebritiesWeird World HomeVideosIf Parents Were Honest About Christmas Gifts from Their KidsIf Parents Were Honest About Christmas Gifts from Their KidsBy: Greg and LouDecember 22nd, 2012var CK_env= "production";var CK_vidSrc = "http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/videos/4/2/4/158424_758X426.mp4"; Add to PlaylistAdd CommentMore Videos Santa Throws a Badass AfterpartyDecember 27, 201226,364 viewsWhen Sexy Christmas Ballads Go Horribly WrongDecember 24, 201241,866 viewsThe Embarrassing Aftermath of the Mayan 'Apocalypse'December 20, 2012251,969 viewsIf 'A Christmas Carol' Was More RealisticDecember 19, 201270,155 viewsThe 4 Worst Lessons Disney Movies Taught Us as KidsDecember 17, 2012409,642 viewsThe Bizarre Scene from 'Die Hard' You Never SawDecember 12, 2012123,463 viewsEvery Video Game Escort Mission EverDecember 10, 2012225,703 viewsThe Worst Way to Find Out Your Wife Is Cheating On YouDecember 07, 2012174,759 viewsWhy Gandalf Is the Most Overrated Wizard EverDecember 05, 2012282,497 viewsWhy Action Movie Endings Would Be Awkward In Real LifeDecember 03, 2012165,094 viewsWhen Asking for a Woman's Hand in Marriage Goes WrongNovember 28, 2012162,207 viewsWhy Being a Henchman in the Zelda Universe Would SuckNovember 26, 2012235,176 viewsWhy There Aren't More Thanksgiving ComediesNovember 22, 2012143,870 viewsWhy Supervillains Always Keep the Good Guy AliveNovember 19, 2012239,205 viewsFacebook Behaviors We Should All Avoid Next ElectionNovember 18, 2012153,478 viewsWhy Parents Are a Terrible Choice For a Ride to the AirportNovember 17, 2012114,074 views Add New CommentTo turn on reply notifications, click here220 Comments

Recent Votes You | Show Profanity var adaptvCompanionAdTag = dclk; Recommended Videos If Educational Kids Shows Were HonestBy: Natural Disastronauts 346,437 views If Condom Commercials Were HonestBy: CRACKED Staff 215,682 views If White House Press Briefings Were HonestBy: Katie Willert,Natural Disastronauts 199,243 views If Online Gamers Were HonestBy: C.J. Tuor,Cracked Sketch Competition 732,967 views If Pokemon Were More RealisticBy: Fatawesome .com 697,367 views What The Kid From 'A Christmas Story' Would Be Like At 23By: BriTANick.com 152,987 views If Sex Ed PSAs Were RealisticBy: The Attack! 234,028 views If The 'Atlas Shrugged' Trailer Was HonestBy: Daniel O'Brien,Cody Johnston 265,825 views AdvertiseWrite for CrackedContact UsLink to UsSitemapTerms & ConditionsPrivacy PolicyAdChoicesPopular Topics: BoobsZombiesHipstersUrban LegendsSkyrimGo to our Mobile VersionCracked, Cracked.com, the "Cracked" logo, and Demand Media are each a trademark or a registered trademark of Demand Media, Inc. in the United States and/or other countries.
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10 Christmas Decorations That Will Haunt Your Dreams

HomeWeird World10 Christmas Decorations That Will Haunt Your Dreams

Christmas is a holiday for celebrating community, families, and Lexus dealers, but what about the people who don't fit nicely into society? What about all the people who stay socked away in cellars, who dread human contact, who are so emotionally broken that they spend the holiday alone, like some kind of ... well, like Santa Claus, actually? Do they even celebrate Christmas?

The answer is a resounding yes, and the following Christmas decorations are a testament to that fact. Even the psychopaths and the serial killers apparently make time between pulling the legs off insects and fashioning skin suits to celebrate the holidays. Here's the proof ...

weihnacht.li

"Oh good, children, you're here! Come, help me build this snowman. Hold on a tick, you know the rules. You'll need to strip naked first. Like me! Quickly now, the sun is going down. When we're finished, we can all go inside for some warm milk from one of my five nipples. You're all doing very w- Oh, what's this? Mistletoe? Uh-oh, what's it doing here, right here over my head? C'mon, children, you know the rules. YOU KNOW THE GODDAMN RULES. Ho ho ho! You're not going to tell your parents about me, are you?"

Ruby Lane

Here's a little tip we'd like to pass on to the good people who make Christmas decorations: You're free to interpret Santa Claus any way you like, but the minute you give his eyes their own voltage, you're going to lose a lot of people. And if you decide to make those eyes protrude like an insect's from his face while illuminated, you're no longer building a festive trinket -- now you're building a nightmare. Oh, he sees you when you're sleeping, all right.

It's also unnerving that so much detail went into the face, yet the body is a dislocated, lumpy mess at best, like the thin disguise of an alien pretending at human merriment and barely holding it together. "This is what our species enjoys, correct? We are filled with giving, and nine pints of blood, and festive cheer."

And don't think that removing the bulbs can solve the problem, either ...

Ruby Lane
Fa-la-la-la-la, la la laaaAAAAAHHHH!

eBay

Hey, remember when your grandfather sort of dressed up as Santa Claus and then collapsed on the kitchen floor and wept all night on Christmas Eve before he went to rehab? Well, now you can immortalize that version of Santa for generations to come with this bobble-head doll! The costume is complete with a sagging gold tracksuit, just like your grandfather's, and the stain in the crotch from where he soiled himself.

The attention to detail is unrelenting, right down to his hands clenched in self-hatred as he slouches over and tries to remember all the bad decisions that led to this point. Now you can spend every Christmas Eve watching his head sway over his heap of a broken body, just like it did that night you sang Christmas carols to him in the desperate hope that it would make him fall asleep.

"Who's got a big red cherry nose?"
"Santa's gole a berdo rancher ose."
"Who laughs this way HO HO HO?"
*Vomiting*

Buy it on eBay!

Christmas Rarities

Apparently they do Christmas differently in Germany. They seem to be just fine with lazy-eyed clown heads supplying a healthy dose of creepy, but they absolutely won't stand for noses. No, noses would be an insult to Christmas. We've stared at this ornament for over an hour, and there's absolutely no way that's anything other than a clown with its nose cut off and a thin stream of blood leaking down into its mouth.

Most unnerving of all, he really seems to be enjoying it. That clown is absolutely psyched that he no longer has to deal with nose-related problems. These ornaments are apparently only for people who want to turn their tree into a celebration of torture, and if you don't believe us, here's another one from the same manufacturer, which features a skinless face.

Christmas Rarities
If you say its name in Aramaic, it opens the Hellmouth.

If you ever see these on a Christmas tree at someone's house, get up very slowly and leave, because that person has put strychnine in the eggnog.

Worth Point

It may surprise you to learn that this is not, in fact, supposed to be the eyeless head of a hobo. No, what you're looking at is a candy dish in the likeness of Santa Claus created by someone who absolutely witnessed a murder as a child and never found a way to process it. To this container's credit, we can't think of a better way to make children hate candy than this rotten-toothed monstrosity. Every single thing about this decoration, from the absent eyes to the rusted-out wire (for convenient hanging from the meat hooks in your living room), feels like it's competing to be the most terrifying aspect, and somehow they're all winning.

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The Dangers of Christmas Decorations

By Dr. Mercola

More than 80 percent of Americans decorate their homes as part of their holiday celebrations.1 For many, Christmas wouldn’t be the same without colored lights, garland, stockings hung from the mantel and, of course, a carefully decorated Christmas tree. For the most part, holiday decorations are a source of joy that only adds to the spirit of the season, but it is important to take some safety precautions to avoid unnecessary health risks during this special time of year.

1. Christmas Tree Fires

Every year, Christmas trees are implicated in an average of 240 home fires, including a related 13 deaths, 27 injuries and $16.7 million in property damage.2 While relatively uncommon, Christmas tree fires are unusually likely to be serious and are more likely to result in deaths than other home fires. While any Christmas tree can pose a fire risk, natural trees are more likely to catch fire than artificial trees. This is especially true if they dry out, rather than being kept moist.

In most cases, electrical failures or malfunctions cause the tree to start on fire, although heat sources too close to the tree, decorative lights and candles may also play a role.

2. Holiday Light Fires

Each year, about 150 home fires occur due to holiday lights, resulting in an average of 8 deaths, 14 injuries and $8.5 million in property damages. Usually fire is the result of electrical failures or malfunctions with the lights.

3. Falls

Falls while holiday decorating send about 5,800 people to emergency rooms every year. Most often, injuries result from falling off a ladder (such as while hanging Christmas lights and other outdoor decorations), followed by falling off a roof.3 Less often, falls from furniture or caused by tripping on tree skirts or other decorations are also reported.

4. Spray-On Snow

Simply shake up the can and spray to add a frosty look to just about any surface … the problem is, many of the sprays contain a slew of chemicals, including acetone and methylene chloride, which you can inhale while spraying the snow (and before it dries). Nausea, headache and lightheadedness are common symptoms that can result if you inhale spray-on snow, particularly if you’re working on your craft in a small or poorly ventilated room. In the long-term, the chemical exposure may be much more serious, as methylene chloride is a probable carcinogen.

5. Christmas Lights Containing Lead

We’ve covered fires relating to holiday lights, but these products are also often tainted with toxins, including lead. In fact, in California Christmas lights must carry a warning label stating that they contain chemicals that may be carcinogenic and cause birth defects. Researchers have found that four out of five holiday lights tested contain lead, 28 percent of which contained lead at such high levels they would be illegal to sell in Europe.4 Both the wiring insulation and bulb bases often contained the toxic metal.

While manufacturers say the use of lead is necessary to stabilize cord casings and make the lights heat resistant, lead-free stabilizers are widely available and already in use by some manufacturers. However, because there’s a good chance your holiday lights may contain lead, wear gloves and then wash your hands whenever you handle them.

That said, the lights’ lead-containing casing is typically made from polyvinyl chloride (PVC). One of the main problems with PVC is that it contains phthalates, or "plasticizers," which are endocrine-disrupting chemicals that have been linked to a wide range of developmental and reproductive “gender-bending” effects that are particularly dangerous to infants and children. These chemicals are often found in household air and dust, so it may be better to string your holiday lights outdoors only.

6. Candles

It probably won’t come as a surprise to learn that the top three days for home candle fires are Christmas Eve, Christmas day and New Year’s Day. December is also a particularly “busy” month for candle fires, which often start because combustible seasonal decorations are kept too close to the flame.5

There is another, far more insidious, danger to candles aside from fire, and that is that they can release hundreds of chemicals, including cancer-causing benzene, into your home’s air every time you burn them. This is particularly true of scented candles, as the fragrance oils often contain phthalates, which have been linked to numerous hormonal disruptions, breast cancer, early or delayed puberty and more. This is true not only of scented candles, but also of other holiday fragrances, such as air fresheners and potpourri.

7. Tinsel and Other Choking Hazards

Holiday decorations, with all their shine and glitter, are especially tempting to infants, who can quickly choke on items like tinsel, small ornaments, tiny pinecones and pieces from nativity scenes. Be sure to keep all such hazards well out of the reach of children; this includes popular holiday food items like nuts and hard candies, too.

8. Sugar/Fructose in Candy Canes and Other Holiday Treats

Candy canes and other sweets are a traditional part of the holiday season, but the sugar and/or fructose they contain pose one of the biggest dangers of all. Evidence is mounting that sugar is a primary contributing factor not only in obesity and diabetes, but other chronic degenerative diseases such as cancer.

Excessive fructose consumption, for instance, leads to insulin resistance, which appears to be the root of many, if not most, chronic diseases. Fructose also raises your uric acid levels—it typically generates uric acid within minutes of ingestion—which in turn can wreak havoc on your blood pressure, insulin production, and kidney function. So far, scientific studies have linked fructose to about 78 different diseases and health problems.

Further, when you eat sugar it triggers the production of your brain's natural opioids -- a key factor in addiction. Your brain essentially becomes addicted to the sugar-induced opioid release, not unlike addictions to morphine or heroin, and this may explain why one piece of candy often leads to another, and then another.

9. Mistletoe and Holly

Poinsettias are often regarded as the most poisonous holiday plant, but contrary to popular belief these plants are actually not toxic to people. Mistletoe, on the other hand, is poisonous. Eating any part of the mistletoe plant, but particularly the berries and leaves, can lead to gastrointestinal upset, while some varieties contain toxins that can lead to blurred vision, blood pressure changes and even death. Holly is also poisonous, and consuming just 20 berries may be lethal to a child.

Christmas can be a wonderful break in the daily routine that pervades the rest of the year, or it can be the most stressful of times. Since Christmas often stands for family togetherness more so than any other holiday, it is the time of year when you may become acutely aware of any such voids in your life, magnifying feelings of grief, isolation and loneliness.

You may also be facing financial difficulties or health issues, or have unrealistic expectations of making your holiday “perfect.” The stress can become overwhelming, even under the best circumstances. If emotional stress is a burden to you this time of year, I suggest trying the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to help you remove negative emotions and enjoy the season. Here are a few more tips that can help you keep your sense of balance during the holidays when stress threatens to take over the show:

Be gentle on yourself, and give yourself permission to say “No”… It really is okay to take special time for yourself. If the holidays have you feeling down for whatever reason, indulge in the things that make you feel happy, whether they’re holiday related or not. Seek out positive people who make you feel better, and avoid people who add to your stress or contribute to your depression. Regain a sense of control by scheduling no more than one or two manageable goals per day, even if they’re as simple as writing a few cards or cleaning a small section of a room. The satisfaction of completing these tasks can add to your sense of well-being and help you get everything done, over a longer period of time. If a certain tradition causes more stress and discomfort than joy, give yourself permission to do things differently! Remind yourself that there is no right or wrong way to celebrate Christmas. Ban the word “should.” Focus on what you and your family want to do for the holidays instead of what other families are doing. Take advantage of online shopping instead of rushing through malls, make homemade gifts, or give gifts of service, such as volunteering or cooking meals. If the thought of cooking Christmas dinner gives you a headache, arrange to have friends and family over to help you cook ahead of time or hold a potluck dinner instead. Make a concerted effort to realign the focus of the holiday to reflect your spiritual or ethical beliefs rather than commercial values. You may need to discuss how you and your family will do this, as it can take many forms depending on your beliefs.

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5 Ways to Actually Steal Christmas

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9 Disturbing Christmas Ads You Won't Believe Are Real

HomeWeird World9 Disturbing Christmas Ads You Won't Believe Are Real

Making an ad around Christmastime is pretty much a slam dunk -- you portray a beautiful family giving your product as a gift, and boom, you're done. If you're selling something that nobody gives as gifts, like cars, who cares? Stick a big red bow on that shit. But people still manage to screw it up, and we like to point out the most horrifying examples.

So here are more old-school holiday ads that make us wonder what the hell the past was thinking.

No, this isn't us fucking with you, this is an actual holiday card distributed around the 1890s. We're guessing there must have been a bunch of end-of-the-world anxiety about the year 1900, because in what other context would it make sense to say, "Remember, these pantsless kids riding huge bats are coming for you. Soon. Happy New Year"?

This ad (or greeting card, or prophecy, whatever it was) is an endless pit of horrors -- the longer you stare at it, the more dark secrets reveal themselves. Did you already notice that the demonic children riding those winged nightmares also have wings? And that the children are whipping the giant bats like horses?

Flickr

Clearly what we see here is a Christmas tree that, minutes before, started speaking to the family in an unholy voice, booming with curses in an ancient dead language. The priest was called, and he set the cursed thing ablaze. It was too late to save the mother's sanity.

This is actually an ad for Pyrene fire extinguishers, but it's hilarious even in that context; the father in this photo clearly has no intention of dousing that huge blaze with that little bottle of Pyrene and will instead be bludgeoning that fire to death with his bare hands. That is not a startled father quickly reacting to a household emergency. That is an old man seeing his nemesis return for the last time. "So once again it is just you and I, fire. You have sneaked into my home disguised as a Christmas tree, like a coward. For this, you will die at my fists. Margaret, make Sally watch."

"Damn it, Steve, you're drunk!"

Vintageadbrowser.com

The photograph that woman is taking is about to be mailed to that girl's mother with a ransom demand, possibly with a tiny severed finger included. That weeping girl has no idea where she is or who the monster behind that fine Kodak camera is.

We suppose you could say that, in reality, this is just an ad about a mother photographing her little girl on Christmas morning, and this girl likes to open presents in bed (and the girl is apprehensive because she lives in an era when terror lurks around every corner). But Kodak actually had a whole series of these ads, and each and every one featured a woman photographing a young girl, in her bed, with a doll. Often against the girl's will:

Vintageadbrowser.com
"Move the doll down -- you can still see the handcuffs."

Look close -- we're pretty sure that girl was drugged. So maybe this was a holiday tradition back in the early 1900s? If so, all we can say is that the kids definitely were not on board with that shit.

Flickr

OK, this kid is a little too on board with whatever is going on here.

In 1970, GE wanted you to know that their lights were cool to the touch, and this little kid wanted to make sure that was the most awkward thing you learned about all day. Now, it's not this kid's fault that she got a haircut as bowl-shaped and lopsided as one of the Three Stooges, but the look on her face says that either there is something really freaky going on off-camera to the right or she's possessed. You can decide which is creepier.

And while we're on the subject ...

Ecrater.com

We know the 1950s were a simpler, more innocent time, but that does little to make us feel in any way OK with this underwear ad. Seriously, Fruit of the Loom, we'd feel a lot more comfortable if you splurged on separate men's and boy's ads, or maybe just added any kind of context. Instead, it's two grown men and a child standing around in their underwear with just a Santa mask between them. And can we also talk about Santa mask choices? Maybe next time a little less eyebrow raising and come hither whistling? Thanks.

"Oooooooo, look at all that cock!"

Wait a second. Is that a two-way mirror on the other side of the room? Who do we find in there watching ...

OH GOD NO.

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If 'A Christmas Carol' Was More Realistic

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The Smartphone Commercial That Will Ruin Your Christmas

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If Parents Were Honest About Christmas Gifts from Their Kids

If Parents Were Honest About Christmas Gifts from Their Kids | Cracked.comvar ck_dart = {}; ck_dart["disable_header"] = "1"; ck_dart["zone"] = "content"; ck_dart["rating"] = "pg"; ck_dart["ctype"] = "videos"; ck_dart["art"] = "vid18508"; ck_dart["cat"] = "weirdworld"; ck_dart["auth"] = "gregandlou"; ck_dart['envr'] = "";var dart_ord = dart_ord_gen();function dart_ord_gen() {var random = new Date(); random = Math.ceil(random.getTime() / 1000);random = Math.floor(Math.random() * 100000) * random;return random;} var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-143148-1']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); You Might Be A Zombie!Horror On CrackedChristmas E-CardsiPad AppWrite For UsLoginor RegisterFace Book Connect Cracked.com ArticlesBrowse ByAll ArticlesMovies & TVMusicCelebritiesTechSexSportsNewsScienceHistoryWeird WorldVideo GamesVideosColumnistsBrowse ByDaniel O' BrienSoren BowieRobert BrockwayChris BucholzGladstoneMichael SwaimSeanbabyCodyChristina H.David WongJack O'BrienJohn CheeseLuke McKinneyBrendan McGinleyAdam Tod BrownIan ForteyKristi HarrisonFelix ClayForumsQuick FixesPhotoplastyMoreTopicsCheat SheetsLinkSTORMAsstrologyCraptions ClassicsPopularGreatest HitsSketch CompetitionRandom ArticleGet Our RSS FeedCategories:Movies & TVVideo GamesMusicSportsTechHistoryScienceCelebritiesWeird World HomeVideosIf Parents Were Honest About Christmas Gifts from Their KidsIf Parents Were Honest About Christmas Gifts from Their KidsBy: Greg and LouDecember 22nd, 2012var CK_env= "production";var CK_vidSrc = "http://i.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/videos/4/2/4/158424_758X426.mp4"; Add to PlaylistAdd CommentMore Videos The Embarrassing Aftermath of the Mayan 'Apocalypse'December 20, 2012204,546 viewsIf 'A Christmas Carol' Was More RealisticDecember 19, 201263,886 viewsThe 4 Worst Lessons Disney Movies Taught Us as KidsDecember 17, 2012377,454 viewsThe Bizarre Scene from 'Die Hard' You Never SawDecember 12, 2012117,067 viewsEvery Video Game Escort Mission EverDecember 10, 2012218,699 viewsThe Worst Way to Find Out Your Wife Is Cheating On YouDecember 07, 2012164,758 viewsWhy Gandalf Is the Most Overrated Wizard EverDecember 05, 2012274,237 viewsWhy Action Movie Endings Would Be Awkward In Real LifeDecember 03, 2012162,437 viewsWhen Asking for a Woman's Hand in Marriage Goes WrongNovember 28, 2012159,063 viewsWhy Being a Henchman in the Zelda Universe Would SuckNovember 26, 2012230,685 viewsWhy There Aren't More Thanksgiving ComediesNovember 22, 2012140,666 viewsWhy Supervillains Always Keep the Good Guy AliveNovember 19, 2012234,833 viewsFacebook Behaviors We Should All Avoid Next ElectionNovember 18, 2012152,153 viewsWhy Parents Are a Terrible Choice For a Ride to the AirportNovember 17, 2012112,412 viewsIf Movie Hackers Were More Like Real IT GuysNovember 16, 2012200,604 viewsVideo Game Battle of the Sexes: Halo vs. MetroidNovember 15, 2012165,665 views Add New CommentTo turn on reply notifications, click here196 Comments

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